Your group follows Max. She’t not sure where to start but she figures the best way is to just start opening doors. Sounds like a good enough plan to you.
Max leads you into a large room. It’s full of picture frames of various sizes but…no pictures. All the frames are empty. That’s odd. In the middle of the room is a telephone, a polaroid camera, and some large machine you don’t recognize. The telephone rings. Should you answer it? You know you have to.
MAX:Hello, may I ask who’s speaking please?
The telephone speaker is loud - you can hear every word from the other end of the line. It’s a shrill voice that sounds like it belongs to someone very fancy and important.
MS. LOCKS: Amelia! Hello? Amelia, are you there?
MAX: Ummm (to you) should I say yes?
You encourage Max to play along.
MAX: Yes?
MS. LOCKS: Amelia, oh thank goodness. Something strange is going on. Our world has gone slanted. There’s been an earthquake or something and everyone is in a panic. Red Riding Hood can’t find her cape, Robin Hood has started stealing from the poor and giving it to the rich, and this morning, instead of porridge, the three bears requested avocado toast for breakfast.
MAX: I’m not sure I understand –
MS. LOCKS: It’s as if everyone’s most precious things are either wrong, or shifted, or missing. I’m worried about my private art collection. I can’t be there because I’m in Dubai, as you know, so I need you to check on my paintings. You know how precious they are. Irreplaceable, really. Are they all still in the gallery?
MAX:Uhhh…yes. Of course they are.
MS. LOCKS: Describe them to me.
MAX: Oh..um…they’re…so beautiful.
The voice on the phone says she’s going to need more proof that her paintings are safe.
MS. LOCKS:A picture is worth a thousand words, and these ones happen to be worth thousands of dollars. You know that better than anyone, Amelia.
MAX: Of course I do. Because I, Amelia, am…
MS. LOCKS:My executive assistant! Best I’ve ever had. Now, Amelia, I’m going to need you to send me pictures of my paintings so I know they’re all there. Use the camera and fax them over and call me back.
You think ‘Ohhh, that’s what that is. A fax machine.’ (Your parents have talked about those but you thought they were a myth). Max hangs up the phone. She tells everyone to STAY CALM. Seems like she should take her own advice. Your team agrees you can work through this together.
MAX: I’ve got it! If there're no paintings in the frames, we’ll just have to BE the paintings.
On one of the frames is the title ‘10 Flamingos Sway In The Breeze’. Quickly, 10 people gather behind the frame, become flamingos and do their best swaying. Max snaps a picture with the polaroid camera and you gather around the scanner. As the photo scans, Max picks up the phone.
MS. LOCKS: I’m receiving it now…ah yes. Yes! That’s one of my favourites. Look at all the flamingos. So hopeful, so stoic, so peaceful. It’s just right. Send me another.
The next frame’s title is ‘The Gnomes and the Pirates - a Dreadful Battle’. Some of your team get into place impersonating their best gnome on pirate fight scenes. It’s gruesome. It’s silly. It’s awesome. Back to the scanner.
MS. LOCKS: Oh, this is even more violent than I remember. History is so invigorating. It’s just right. I need to see more! Send me the portraits!
You go to a series of three smaller frames titled ‘Happy Clown’, ‘Sad Clown’, and ‘Sneaky Clown’. You volunteer to do one of the portraits - Sad Clown. You give your best grimace, you’re the saddest clown that ever clowned. Max snaps the three pictures and sends them off.
MS. LOCKS:Oh, I love this series. It says so much about the human condition. And the entertainment industry. Show me the biggest painting!
The largest frame is ‘A Field Of Ugly Flowers’. Everyone has to participate to fill out the picture. You contort yourself into a strange, ugly shape.
MAX:But everyone smile! You’re flowers, after all.
You send the photo over to Ms. Locks. This time, the voice on the phone is not happy.
MS. LOCKS:Amelia…I don’t know what I’m looking at. This is not right at all! There are no people in The Field Of Ugly Flowers! It’s pointilism! My favourite style! All those tiny little dots coming together to tell one beautiful story! PLEASE tell me that the painting is in the gallery!
MAX:Oh it’s here, it’s here, just one second.
How are you supposed to make a painting without any people in it when all the frames are empty?? Suddenly, at the other end of the room, a large curtain falls, revealing a big, blank canvas. Next to the canvas is a bucket of Bingo-Dabbers.
MAX:Quick! Everyone grab a Bingo-Dabber and get to work!
You rush to the canvas and everyone starts madly dabbing colours onto it.
MS. LOCKS:I haven’t got all day, Amelia! Dubai calls!
MAX:Final touches! 3…2…1! Stand back!
Max snaps a picture. Will your hurried creation be enough to satisfy the art collector?
MS. LOCKS:Amelia. Its….it’s….even uglier than I remember. I love it! It tells such a story. It’s just right. Thank you.
A sigh of relief. You’ve done it.
MS. LOCKS:Amelia, my darling, you’ve been such a help today. I’m off to a conference on the impacts of post-modernist art in a pre-apocalyptic world so I’ll have to let you go but feel free to take one of the paintings with you, as a little treat. Ta, ta!
Your group decides to take the only painting that actually exists - the one you just made. As you leave you look at the painting again. These are some of the most beautiful flowers you’ve ever seen.
